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Bart the General (The Simpsons)
Chorus: The Simpsons! The screen pans over the town which ends with a pan of the school, where it transforms into the Simpsons house. Homer is standing by the oven. Homer: Do I smell cupcakes? (opens the oven) Oooh, do I ever! Marge: Ah, ah, Homer! Lisa's making these for her teacher. Homer: Ah, say no more. Bart opens the oven door. Bart: Yum! Don't mind if I do! Marge grabs hold of Bart's shirt. Marge: Bart! Bart: Oh, man! Lisa: Keep your greasy mits out of there! Marge: These are for Lisa's class. Lisa: It's Mrs. Hoover's birthday. Bart: You know, there are names for people like you! Lisa: No there aren't. Bart: Teacher's pet! Apple polisher! Butt kisser! Homer: Bart! You're saying “butt kisser” like its a bad thing. Bart: Huh! Homer invites Bart onto his lap. Homer: I see boy. Never hurts to grease the wheels a little. Lisa: I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad. I like my teacher. Homer: Sure, Lise. You see how it works Bart. A cupcake here, a good grade there. Lisa: Dad I get good grades because I'm smart and I pay attention and I study hard. Homer: Yeah right, Lisa. It's the three roads to success, Bart. Work, Brains, and (holds up a cupcake) Hmm.. Lisa: Oh, brother! The school bus pulls up and honks its horn. Bart: Uh-oh! School bus! Gotta go! Homer opens his mouth to eat the cupcake in his hand, but Lisa grabs it before Homer can bite it. Homer: D'oh! Bart and Lisa enter the school bus. Bart: Yo, Otto, man! Otto: Yo, Bart, dude Bart: Hey! Can you believe it man! My sister her made a whole pile of cupcakes to butter up her teacher and she won't give anybody even one measly little crumb. Otto: Uh, that's bad news man. Lisa: Here Otto, I made an extra one for you. Otto: Oh, thanks little lady. Lisa: You're welcome. Bart joins Lisa on the seat. The bus takes off and Lisa's cupcake box jumps. Children scream and laugh in happiness. Bart and Lisa grab the box. Bart: Better let me hold these, Lise. Lisa: Forget it! Bart: You snively toad, egg sucker. Lisa: Tell me more! Bart: Back scratcher, foot licker, honour student! Lisa: You'll never get one now, Mr. Name Caller! Bart: Oh right, oh right, look I'm sorry. I got upset. In the heat of the moment, I said some things I didn't mean. Lisa: You weren't thinking, were you? Bart: No. Lisa: I'm not a little snivelling toad am I? Bart: Not really. Lisa: I'm not a little egg sucker am I? Bart: Of course not. Lisa: And what am I? Bart: A beautiful human being. Lisa: What do you like best about me? Bart: Well, I've have to say....your generous nature. Your spirit, your living. Lisa: Well....Hmm....Open your mouth, then close your eyes and you will get a big surprise! Bart opens his mouth. Bart: Ahhh! The bus jolts and one cupcake drops on the floor. Lisa grabs it and throws it in Bart's mouth. Bart: Thanks, Lise! You're the best. The bus jolts and leaves the school. Lisa: Look, Jamie, cupcakes. Weasel 1: Give them back! One of Nelson Muntz's cronies grabs the box and eats the cupcakes. Lisa: Hey, give me those back! Bart runs over. Bart: Hey what’s the big idea! That’s my sister man! Weasel 1: So what?! Bart: So give her back those cupcakes, before I knock your block off! Lisa: Don't Bart! He's a friend of Nelson Muntz. The weasel drops the cupcakes on the floor and steps on them. Children around start cheering. Bart looks down in anger. Children continue to cheer. Bart jumps on the weasel and fights him. Bart is grabbed by the weasel's boss, Nelson Muntz and Bart punches him, not knowing he is punching the school bully. Nelson throws Bart on the grass. Bart: Ah! Weasel 1: Nelson, you're bleeding! Nelson: Naw, happens all the time. Somebody else's blood splatters on me. He sniffs and realizes its his own blood. Nelson: Hey wait a minute. You're right. You made me bleed my own blood. The children around gasp while Bart winces. Bart: Erm, it was an accident, man. A terrible ghastly mistake. Ask anybody. Nobody answers and a wind passes. Bart: Uh, oh, a cold wind. Principal Skinner walks over. Skinner: Hello, kids! Everything, above aboard here. Good, play friendly children. The school bell rings. Skinner: Uh-oh! There's your bell! Come along now, all of you! No dawdling now! Nelson: I'll get you after school, man! (pinches Bart) Bart: But! Skinner: Oh-no-no. He'll get you after school, son! Now hurry up, its time for class. Bart: But! Skinner: Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot. Bart enters the school. In class, everyone except Bart is reading a book, while Bart dreams about what will happen when Nelson will beat him up. Bart: OK, Nelson, put up your dukes! Wahhhh! Bart enters the school and closes the door only to be crashed into by a giant Nelson. Bart: Yikes! Bart throws loads of knives at Nelson, which are plastic and Nelson drags them off. Nelson: Haw, haw, haw! Bart starts shooting Nelson but the bullets fall off Nelson. Nelson: Ha-ha-ha! Bart: Oh! Bart throws the gun, which Nelson eats. Bart screams as he runs up some stairs, but it closely followed by Nelson. The stairs end and fall where Nelson picks Bart up. Nelson: Lunch time! Ha-ha-ha! Lunch time! Bart screams as Nelson swallows him. Milhouse: Lunchtime, Bart! It's lunchtime! Bart: I ain't gonna get out of the 4th grade alive. Milhouse: You gotta tell Principal Skinner, Bart. Bart: I can't squeal, it would violate the code of the schoolyard. The two enter the lunch room. Lisa: Hey everybody, here comes my brother, Bart the bully killer! Children cheer. Child: You're a hero, Bart. Bart: Look everybody, I just assume you won't make a big deal out of this. I'm not saying I'm not a hero, I'm just saying I fear for my safety. Nelson marches out of the lunch crowd. Child 2: Look out! All of the children run away, leaving Bart. Bart: Nelson, it was all a mistake! This is how it happened man. Listen up, you may get a kick out of it. My sister was baking cupcakes... Nelson: I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15. Weasel 1: And you better be prompt. Weasel 2: He has 4 other beatings scheduled this afternoon. Back in class, Bart wonders want other thing will happen when Nelson beats him up. Bart dreams he is dead in a coffin holding his lunchbox. Otto: Goodbye little dude. He looks so lifelike. Skinner: Yes. The school nurse did wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight. Goodbye son. I guess you were right, all that homework was a waste of time. Milhouse: Thanks Bart, we got the day off from school for this. Homer: Yeah, And I got the day off from work. Marge: Homer! Homer: But what's a day off from work when I'm never gonna see my beloved son again! Oh, Bart! Homer leans onto the coffin and sobs. Marge: That's better Homer, be brave. Bye-bye Bart. You were always my special little guy. (sniffs) Maggie sucks her dummy. Lisa: Bart, here's that cupcake you wanted. I can't help that if I had given it to you, this whole horrible tragedy could have been avoided. I know you can't eat it now, so I'll just place it lovingly on your forehead. Nelson: Hey look, they got food at this thing. Here's one for the road, dude. Nelson punches Bart and the dream ends. The school bell rings. Outside, the clock shows “3:15”. Bart attempts to hide from Nelson and his weasels but he lands in front of them. Nelson: Put 'em up. The three punch Bart until he is knocked on the floor. Bart: Boy, you sure taught me a lesson. Bart is dragged along. Bart: Thanks guys. I guess all that's left is a hearty handshake. Right guys? Nelson: I'm gonna get you again, tomorrow Simpson! Bart is thrown in a dustbin. Weasel 2: Is 3:15 good for ya? Bart: Uh, not really. Weasel 2: Too bad. Bart is thrown down the street with the dustbin. The dustbin arrives at the Simpson household. Bart groans and falls on the floor. He picks himself up and enters the house. Bart: Hi, mom, hi dad. Homer: Tough day at school, boy? Marge: Bart, what happened to you? Bart: Let's just say I payed the inevitable price for helping out my sister. Homer: So, you had a little scuffle, eh? He-he. Hope you won! Bart enters the bathroom and looks in the mirror. Bart: I'm gonna miss ya, big guy. Bart groans and goes into the bathtub. Homer peeks in. Homer: Bart, your mother has the fool idea that (slows down) you're upset about something. Pan to bathtub, where Bart is crying. Bart: Dad, I need help...please. Oh. Homer: Now, come on, Bart, we don't want your mother to see you crying. Bart: Oh, man. Homer: Here let me dry those tears. A tear drops from Bart's eye, which Homer blows away with a hairdryer. Homer: So, what's the problem, son? Bart: I had a run-in with....a bully. Marge enters. Marge: A bully! Homer: Oh, come on Marge! I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa. Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this. Bart: I guess I could do that. Homer: What, and violate the code of the schoolyard?! I'd rather Bart die! Marge: What on earth are you talking about Homer?! Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy to be a man! Bart looks at Homer and Marge fighting. Homer: Let's see. Don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless everyone feels exactly the same way you do. And what else? Marge: Oh, Homer that's ridiculous! Bart, instead of fighting why don't you try a little bit of understanding. Bart: What do you mean, mom? Homer: Yeah right, this ought to be good for a laugh! Marge: Shhh! This bully friend of yours is he a little on the chunky side. Bart: Yeah, he's pretty chunkified all right. Marge: Mmmhmm. And I bet he doesn't do well in his studies either. Bart: No, he's pretty dumb. He's in all the same special classes I am.. Marge: That's why he lashes out at the world. Homer: Oh, Marge. Marge: So tomorrow, instead of bickering with this boy, talk to him. He'll be surprised at how a little understanding will go. Homer pulls Bart out of the bath tub. Homer: Well, thank you very much Mrs. Maharishi Gandhi. Let's go boy. Marge growls. In the living room, Homer draws a simple face onto a grey punching bag. Homer: Now here's that boy of yours. Show me your stuff. Bart weakly punches the bag, which Homer is surprised at. Homer: No-no, not like that. Heeearrgh! Homer jumps onto the punching bag which Bart winces at the sight of it. Homer grabs the skin of it with his teeth. He spits the skin out. Homer: See that boy, you didn't expect that did you, and neither will he. Bart: You mean I should fight dirty, Dad? Homer: Unfortunately, son, we Simpsons, sometimes have to bend the rules a little in order to hold our own. Bart: Amen. Homer: So next time this boy thinks your gonna through a punch, you throw a glob of mud in his eye! And then you sock him when he's staggering around blinded! Bart: Yeah! Homer: And there's nothing wrong with hitting someone when its back is turned. Bart: Gotcha. Homer: And if you get the chance, get him right in the family jewels. That little doozy's been a Simpsons trademark for generations. Homer punches the bag again. Bart: Thanks, pap. Homer smiles. The next day, Bart has another encounter with Nelson Muntz. Bart: Whoa! (slips on mud) Nelson: Put em up! Bart: Huh! (throws mud in Nelson's eye and punches him gently) Nelson wipes the mud of his face. Nelson: Rrrr. Homer appears in a bubble. Homer: Remember the family jewels, son. Bart attempts to punch Nelson put is pushed away. Bart looks into the bubble, but Homer shrugs. Nelson then punches Bart continually. Homer winces in the bubble. Bart: (yelps) Oh no boys, not the can, please. Homer: D'oh. The trash can is sent down the path again until it stops at the Simpsons house, where Lisa is sitting licking an ice cream. Lisa looks at Bart while he crawls out of the trash can. Lisa: Bart, you can't go on like this. Bart: I know. (coughs out his hat). Lisa: Why don't you go see Grampa? Bart: What can he do? (slaps himself). Lisa: He'll give you good advice, he's the toughest Simpson alive. Bart: He is? Lisa: Yes, remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home. The screen pans to the Springfield Retirement Castle. Bart: I'm here to see Grampa. Immediately, all the “Grampas” appear. Lady: Half the people here are named “Grampa”. Bart: Well, Grampa Simpson then. All the other “Grampas” then growl and go inside their rooms. Lady: Second floor, third dank room on the left. Bart: Thanks, lady. Bart goes upstairs. Abe is writing a letter on his typewriter. Abe: Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted at the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant fun loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals. Who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and in offence. (pans to door) The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again: Number 1: Bra, Number 2: Horny, Number 3: Family jewels. Bart opens the door. Bart: Hi, Grampa. Abe: (screams) Bart, what brings you here? Bart: I need some advice, Grampa. See, there's this bully at school, he keeps beating me up. Abe: Let me tell ya something boy. If you don't stand up for yourself, bullies are gonna keep picking on ya for the rest of your life. Jasper opens the door. Jasper: Simpson, give me the newspaper. Abe: Why should I? Jasper: I wanna do the crossword puzzle. Abe: No, I wanna do the crossword puzzle! Jasper: I said gimme that puzzle! Abe: No! Jasper: Gimme! Abe: No! Jasper: Gimme! Abe: No! The two fight over the newspaper. Abe: The kid's here! Jasper wins the newspaper. Jasper: He-he-he-he! Abe: Well, I guess I can't help ya, but I know someone who can. The screen pans to “Herman's Military Antiques”. Bart: Here? Abe: Yep, this is it. Herman opens the door. Herman: What's the password? Abe: Let me in, you idiot! Herman: Yeah, right you are. Pans to inside store, where the three walk to the counter, Bart gazing around in awe. Abe: So Herman, has the large-type edition of this month's “Soldier of Fortune” come in yet? Herman: Not yet. But can I interest you in some authentic Nazi underpants. Abe: No! Actually we came over because I want you to meet my grandson, Bart. Herman: Hello, young American. Bart: Hello, sir. Er, Mr. Herman. Herman: Yes? Bart: (stuttering) Did you lose your arm in the war. Herman: My arm? Well, lemme put it this way. Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it! Bart: (frightened) Yes, sir. I will. Abe: Bart's got a problem with a local young bully named Nelson. I thought you could help him with some kind of strategy. Herman: Strategy. Hmm...How many men do you have? Bart: None. Herman: You'll need more. And you'll need to train them, hard. Now, let's see. (looks behind counter). Ah, OK! The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it. First, you'll need a declaration of war. That way, everything you do will be nice and legal. OK, I can use this one from the Franco-Prussian War. I'll just change “Otto von Bismarck” to read “Bart Simpson”. And then..... Bart: Psst. Grampa, I think this guy's a little nuts. Abe: Oh, yeah? Well, General George S. Patton was a little nuts. And this guy is completely out of his mind! Pans to Herman who is writing on the paper. Abe: We can't fail! Pans to Bart's face and then pans to school. In Bart's class, a note is passing around the class. Lewis: Psst. Pass it on. Lewis gives it to Milhouse, and looks at the note. It reads “If you hat and fear Nelson, meet at Bart's treehouse. 1500 hrs (3pm).” Pans to Bart's treehouse, where many children, Herman, and Abe are waiting for Bart to arrive. Children chatter. Child: I wonder what we're doin' here anyway. Abe: I wonder where Bart is. Herman: Yeah, (looks at watch) it's way past fifteen hundred hours. Pans to entrance of treehouse. Bart is entering, beaten up by Nelson yet again. Bart coughs out his hat and puts it on a peg. Bart goes behind a box. Bart: Oh, we all know why we're here, right? Milhouse: No, why? Bart: To fight Nelson, the bully. Chattering begins. Bart: That guy's been tormenting all of us for years, and I for once am sick of it! I can't promise you victory. I can't promise you good times. But, the one thing I do know... Children leave. Bart: Whoa, whoa! All right! OK! I promise you victory! I promise you good times! Children cheer. Pan to forest, where Bart is training his army. Bart: I got a B in arithmetic. Children: I got a B in arithmetic. Bart: Would've got an A, but I was sick. Children: Would've got an A, but I was sick. Pan to playground, where children are jumping to and from monkey bars. Milhouse falls down, he gets up, a child knocks him over. In another area, Bart is training his army on the climbing frame. Next, running around dustbins, where a child falls into one and tips over. Training in the forest again. Bart: We are rubber, you are glue. Children: We are rubber, you are glue. Bart: It bounces off us, and sticks to you. Children: It bounces off us, and sticks to you. Bart: Sound off! Children: One, two! Bart: Sound off! Children: Three, four! Next, Bart is standing in a small pond, where children are hopping across a stone to get to the other side. The stone reveals to be a child's helmet. Children are walking along through mud, where Bart is watching. Bart has a blade of grass in his mouth, which he spits out. It's sunset and Bart is still training his army on the climbing frame again. Next day, Bart is showing his army the design of the water balloon. The balloon pops in Bart's hand. Bart: Go! The army now has to pass a building with a guard dog in it, which is barking and growling. Pans to Bart talking to a young child. Bart: What's the matter with you, soldier? Coward: It's my nerves, sir. I just can't stand the barking any more. Bart: Your nerves! Bart slaps the child and a tear drops from the child's eye. Bart: I won't have cowards in my army! Abe slaps him. Bart: Ow! Abe: Sorry, Bart. You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to side one some godforsaken rock, but for some reason you can't slap them. Now apologize to that boy right now. Bart: Sorry, man. Coward: It's cool Back to marching in the forest again. Bart: In English class I did the best. Children: In English class I did the best. Bart: Because I cheated on the test. Children: Because I cheated on the test. Bart: Sound off. Children: One, two. Bart: I can't hear you! Children: Three, four! Bart: All right! There's your enemy! Now hit him! Children hit a pillow. Bart: OK, next group! Martinez! Steinberg! O'Hara! Chang! Olajuwan! Herman! Herman rips the pillow apart with a gun. Bart watches. Herman: (growls) Die! Die! Back to marching in the forest. Bart: We are happy, we are merry. Children: We are happy, we are merry. Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary. Children: We got a rhyming dictionary. Bart: Sound off. Bart and Children: One, two. Bart: One more time. Bart and Children: Three, four. Bart: Bring it on home, now Bart and Children: One, two, three, four. One, two, three, four. Pan to Bart's treehouse where Herman, Abe, Lisa and Bart stand around a scale model of the site where the war begins, with salt and pepper cellar as the people. Milhouse: Nelson's at the Elm Street video arcade. Bart: Intelligence indicates he shakes down kids for quarters at the arcade, then heads to the Kwik-E-Mart for a cherry squishee. Herman: And that's where we'll hit him. When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. Got the water balloons? Bart: 200 rounds, sir. (holds up a water balloon) Is it OK if they say “Happy Birthday” on the side? Herman: I'd rather they say “Death From Above”, but I guess we're stuck. OK. The main force will be split into two groups. One will circle around this way to cut off the enemy's retreat and the other will drive in this way. Closing the trap. It's a classic pincer's movement. It can't fail against a 10-year old! Abe laughs. Lewis: Nelson's at the arcade, General. Bart: Battle stations! Herman: I feel so alive! Abe: You know, I thought I was too old. I thought my time had passed. I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children! Pan to Elm Street where Bart is looking at Nelson and his weasels. Weasel 2: Hey, great Squishees. Weasel 1: What flavour did you get? Weasel 2: Blue. Nelson: Hey, you two birds. You're going to be sucking all your meals through straws if you don't shut your traps. Bart walks out of the bush. Nelson: Well, lookie here. Little Bart Simpson. Bart: Nelson, I'm afraid I'm going have to teach you a lesson. Nelson: Ha! Oh, yeah? You and what army? Bart: This one. Bart's army appears out of bushes, buildings, trees, vans etc. Bart: Artillery. Commence saturation bombing! Children start throwing water balloons at Nelson and his weasels, shouting throughout. Bart's army chases the three through town, then past Evergreen Terrace. Homer goes out to see what is going on outside. Homer: All right, you kids! Keep it down! Am I making myself... Homer is hit by a water balloon from Abe. Herman is looking down at the war through binoculars. Abe: He-he-he, got him. Homer: You! Up in the tree! The tall grey-haired kid. Get your butt down here right now! Abe hits Homer with a water balloon again. Homer goes inside and a further water balloon is thrown and hits the door. Meanwhile, Nelson and his weasels are trapped. Weasel 1 & 2: No, wait! Weasel 1: Don't hurt us! Weasel 2: We surrender! Weasel 1: We were only following orders! This makes the army throw the water balloons at only Nelson. Later, children cheer at the sight of Milhouse pulling Nelson tied up in a red wagon. A kid runs over to kiss Lisa, which is then a photo is took of. Lisa: Ew! (slaps the boy) Knock it off! Cheering continues. Later, Bart goes over to Nelson who is still tied up in the wagon. Bart: At least you learned your lesson so now I'll untie you. Nelson: The second you untie me, I'm gonna beat you to death, man. Bart: Well, if that's gonna be your attitude, then I'm not gonna untie you. Nelson: Ha! You're gonna have to sometime! Bart: Uh-oh. He's right. Herman: Don't you worry. I was ready for this little eventuality. Inside the Simpsons house, Nelson is tied up on the couch, watching TV with Homer, Lisa and Maggie. Herman, Bart and Abe are round a table with a paper. Herman: Armistice Treaty, article four: Nelson is never again to raise his fists in anger. Article Five: Nelson recognizes Bart's right to exist. Article Six: Although Nelson shall have no official power he shall remain a figurehead of menace in the neighbourhood. Bart: Wow. It sounds good to me. OK, I'll sign. Homer: What about you, boy? Nelson: All right, I'll sign. Marge enters. Marge: Are you boys through playing war? Bart: Yeah. Nelson: Yes, Mrs. Simpson. Marge: Good. Then here's some cupcakes. Bart: Oh, boy! Homer: Oooh, cupcakes. Abe, Marge, Homer, Bart, Herman, Nelson, Lisa and Maggie are all eating cupcakes as the scene ends. Pan to Bart, sitting on a table in the library talking to the viewers. Bart: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners, only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: The American Revolution, World War II and the Star Wars trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there are lots of books in your library with cool, gory pictures. Well, good night, everybody. Peace, man. Credits roll. Category:Simpsons Scripts